(not quite) a literary journal




The emergence of your wild side is pulling on your heart strings and your thoughts are struggling to maintain their usually effortless stability. The beast within hums with a small, constant growl. You have been setting your feelings to the side for some time, trying to preserve the harmony which you work so hard to constantly maintain. Virgo, it is time to let the pen bleed on the outside of the lines. Drop to your knees and howl, unapologetically. Let the world know that you, too, have a swollen, bleeding yearning for deeper meaning in your life. Your heart will not longer lay docile. In fact, the shackles which your mind has fastened to your heart have already loosened and freedom is just a breath away. Surprise yourself and others by following an emotional impulse that defies all logic. Tell someone how you really feel about them. Tell your friends a deep, inner fear that’s been stirring around for some time. Let go of the leash. Free-fall into that vulnerability you spend so much time avoiding. Relish in the feeling of your stomach dropping and recognize that all that armor you wear around may only make your crash-landing that much more painful.



All your pessimism and fear has finally paid off. You almost believed the lie of unworthiness that you so often sing to yourself, but thankfully for you, the clouds are passing and this beaming ray of light cannot be ignored. Love is not only in the air, but in your eyes, in your palms, in your belly. You have so much love to give, you reckon it will be the thing that kills you. Especially if the world keeps so stubbornly refusing to accept it. But now look at where you are. Your love is flowing like water onto the fertile ground, seeds sprouting where your footsteps should be. Tears fill your eyes at something that shouldn’t surprise you at all. Still, you worry incessantly that this must be too good to be true, telling yourself you don’t deserve this or that something just isn’t *right*. Do yourself a favor and lay on the ground. Close your eyes. Place your hands on your heart and feel it beating. Thumping as always, grounding you into the stability you crave. Let your hand weigh heavy on your heart. This is yours. It’s not going anywhere. You have created boundaries and made sacrifices in order to relinquish your relationship with control which so often binds you. Don’t confuse these boundaries with losses, but rather as a guardrail on a long, wobbly bridge. Take your time and honor the patience of those around you. Your bountiful compassion and sink-or-swim approach to trust has long awaited this moment. Beware the sign that hangs above your head: No running allowed on Bridge and keep your hands on the railing.



All work and no play makes ____ a ____ ____. And yes, decompressing after work is just an extension of work and does not count as play, so don’t you start. “Play” for you, Scorpio, involves a unique and powerful kind of joy. The all-encompassing purpose you seek lies in your near future, but is it not for the faint of heart and, get this, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. That’s right. There is someone or something out there right now that needs you more than ever. Look beyond your family, your lover, your friends and your work. Take time to really observe the world ticking around you. Wander into shops that you normally would walk right past. Let your eyes drift through pages of a book that you’re sure won’t interest you. Ask a stranger, genuinely, how they are doing, and don’t be surprised when they unload onto you. You have a cathedral of pillars within you, pillars which have only grown taller and wider with each passing challenge you’ve overcome. Now, it is time for these pillars to be leaned upon by someone else. Don’t confuse yourself for a martyr, but rather as a traveller carrying many resources. Let go of your own selfish interests. Ask yourself not what you need, but what the world needs. It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be unfamiliar. It’s going to require you to overcome massive childhood fears, in the moment, on the spot. Remember that your inner-well of strength is rare and vital in the reparations of all that is falling apart around us. There is a paramount task ahead of you which you have been unknowingly preparing for for a very long time. Trust that the unknown will guide you here and try to remain aware of your tendency of retreating back into yourself. You’ve done that enough. It’s time to step outside and be the impenetrable warrior you have been training to be all this time.



Your transitory nature provides you with a never-ending list of do’s and a crash-course guide to don’ts. Moving with seeming effortlessness from point A to point B, don’t forget to look up and watch the clouds move slowly overhead. With your self-check routines and your admirable devotion to challenges, you find yourself spiraling erratically through the external world. Meanwhile, your internal world bubbles patiently, keeping your deepest fear of stagnancy at bay. Sag, you must remember, that your external world and your internal world do not move at the same pace and they never have. No matter the accomplishments you stack around your halo.. You, the train conductor, need some scenery too. Think of yourself as a cup. The more you pour, the more empty you become. And eventually, you have nothing else to offer because you’ve poured out all the contents of yourself without opening your lid and allowing life to pour itself back in. Get a journal, start writing. Get a notebook, start doodling. Make it personal. Get to know the deep inner contents of your world again, without fear and abandon, and without the gaze of anyone else manipulating your truth. You love risks, so embark on the greatest risk of all. Going inside of your mind and your heart, alone, torch lit, and discovering who you are in this exact moment, after everything you’ve overcome. It will not be easy, but trust that it will not be as hard as all the time you spend galloping through the shadows, and over the hills, to avoid the stillness that you fear may actually be exactly what you need.



Lately, you’ve been feeling like something’s missing. It’s as if it’s at the tip of your fingers. Furthermore, you keep glancing to the corner where you lowered those blinds over the window a while back. You have a feeling that what’s missing may be directly behind those blinds. You feel a slight breeze. Are you imagining it? Is the window open? Hard to tell. There’s some light peeping in, you notice, and you can’t help but admit to yourself that you you kind of like it. The natural light. So, what’s stopping you from pulling up those blinds? Your intuition is always right in hindsight. It always has been. You take a few steps forward, and then suddenly something else is on your mind. You stop in your tracks, you turn around and walk back away from the window. Why? Are you afraid that once you see it, you will no longer be able to look away? And then what? Will you feel compelled to go outside? These lights in this room are so nice though. Plus, there’s air-conditioning in here. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted. Right? So, why can’t you stop looking at that window? Something tells you that to leave, to change, to let in the natural light, that you must be miserable first. And you’re definitely not miserable. You’ve worked for this. All of this. Your childhood is a speck in the dirt compared to the dreams you ride upon now. Oh, god. There’s that breeze again. Goosebumps rise on your skin. The light is moving across the ground now, and up the wall, stealing all your attention like some sort of sun-cast spell. There’s something more than this, this room, these chairs, these light fixtures you spent forever searching for and now finally have. You’re comfortable and proud, it’s true. Still though, something’s missing. Damnit. Something’s missing and you think you may know where it is…



The world is in chaos. It’s debilitating. Suffocating. You feel powerless because it’s so much shit. Being out in nature isn’t really doing the trick, nor is hanging out with your friends who, while providing fun distractions, really don’t want to get into the nitty gritty either. You fear this is something you may need to do alone. Lucky for you, you’re a healer.  People open up to you. They always have. There’s a certain fulfillment you’ve always felt from helping others. You have a natural ability to see the suffering beneath anger and sadness, and to see the truth and virtue beneath that suffering. It’s time for you to follow that path. The days keep passing and this crushing feeling of powerlessness has got to go. It would be an injustice to the world to wait much longer. It’s time for you to sit in the therapist’s chair. Spend your days as if you’re an undercover detective, itching to get at the core of the problems of everyone around you. You’ve always been aware that love and security are the two great human desires. The more people you talk to, the more apparent it becomes to you that we are all linked in our collective yearning to heal and have a meaningful life. Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes the individual feel like they couldn’t possibly make an big-enough impact, so why even try at all? That’s the excuse you keep telling yourself as you sit idly on the bay, watching everyone drown in a quiet fury. You can no longer just sit and watch this shit. People are running out oxygen out here, so put on your flippers, dive in and swim like hell. Because if even the healer won’t help, then who will?



Cut the crap. You are not being honest with yourself. What is all that fantasy doing for you? Woe is you, am I right? Jesus, get your shit together. Aren’t you tired of being the biggest hypocrite in the room? Everyone has this misconception that you are an open book. And in some (most) ways, you are. Your colorful contents spilling recklessly around you, marking your territory with a glow. All the world’s a stage and Shakespeare is right about everything. Right? Unfortunately, for you, life continues beyond those three acts you spend so much time crafting and catering to. Off-stage, something is different. You touch your face to find you can’t tell the difference between the sweat and the tears.  Your mask leaves heavy imprints on your cheeks from all the seduction you feign. The sorcerer within you stirs. Your vulnerability is a sham. There is a very personal and private relationship that you have with pain, a unique relationship which chains you to dark humor and horrifyingly dramatic break-ups, and you are still not ready to let it go. Fine. So don’t. But at least give it the attention it deserves. Take off your mask and pull the pain in deeper. Enmesh yourself in it. Crack the code, cut the shit. (Go that therapist you’ve been talking about for years). You can’t go on living in these lies. Do not offer fake empathy as a way to feel better about yourself. Do not open your journal and scribble down more avoidant bullshit. Look at the wounds which scream to you like sirens and acknowledge their bleeding. The mask is hurting your face. Don’t you want to know the inner pulse of the pain which you hide, yet flaunt like some gold medal? So, do it. Be the emotional junkie romantic you claim you are. Go there.



Playing it safe. Eating healthy. Long walks. Healing music. You know the drill. It feels good to feel good, especially when you know how much of a badass you transform into when you’re on top of your shit. There are some changes shifting in the air, and the pressure is on you, and only you, given the fact that no one else really cares whether or not you live your best life (except those with specialized invested interests in your success). Dirt under your fingernails. Sun beating down on your skin. A deep, primal thirst and the relief of falling into a long, deep sleep. All of this taking care of yourself is good and everything, but maybe consider your inner child for the next couple of weeks. Get dirty, get sweaty, laugh hardy, cry even harder. Put yourself out in the physical world to the point where it literally drains you. Not the physical world as in a packed jazz bar on a tuesday night. Rather, the garden a few streets over that you noticed has a couple of plots up for grab. Your therapy, your inner lullaby, is sung with chapped lips, a full-tongue and dense, chipped teeth. You, with the heart of a farmer, must tread your way through the ache in your back towards the deep surrender of sleep. It is the catharsis of hard work that heals your racing mind. Don’t forget that. Surrender control, create space in your routine and get dirty. You, creature of the sun. Finally experience the peace you’ve spent your recent days and nights chasing like some mad-monk on the run.



MAYDAY. MAYDAY. What the hell is going on?? Everything was going great, all the plans working out, love in the air, and all of a sudden it’s raining nails and eggs and the ground has turned to lava AND you’re breaking out again. Who is this stranger calling themselves your lover? Do you even like your job? Why is your Mom calling AGAIN? Everything is uprooted and nothing makes any sense anymore. Why can’t anyone just understand what you’re going through right now?? Your anger is balancing chip on your shoulder. The faster your stride, the harder the chip wobbles. Another blood vessel just popped. Watch where you’re going, it’s slippery and it only gets worse. Jesus, you can barely even see without squinting. Eggshells seems to cover the ground everywhere you go, if only people would stop god-damn tip-toeing everywhere. Don’t look at you like. What? No, you’re not fine. You are screaming that you are not fine. You need to go find a body of water and swim five miles of not-fine. Tell everyone to fuck off and focus on YOU. God knows you need it.



Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve done it again. You’re the unwavering charm at work, you’re the punchline during the second-half of the incredibly tense dinner-with-the-rents. You’re proposing all your new business venture ideas to your friends over a couple of cold ones. You’re not tired, where’s the caffeine at? Well Gem, beware, because a cosmic crash is right around the corner and you’re going to need all the low-key support you can get. Stillness is not your strong suit and, let’s be honest, it really helps to have someone holding your hand. And not the finger-flirting you’ve mastered during ‘netflix and chill’. You’ve overextended yourself and you’re heart is on the verge of being thrown out. Your undeniable affability has led to an overwhelming amount of shallow friendships that, as hard as it is to admit, aren’t really doing anything for you. These friendships will be of no assistance to you when you’re weak, because these friends have no idea that a weak side of you (that you’re willing to show) even exists. If honestly communicating leads to breach in your friendship, it likely means that that friendship wasn’t worth much in the first place. Go back to your roots and reach out to those who know you without judgement and love you through all your insane episodes. Recharge and slow down before you do some serious damage that even the strongest painkillers can’t solve.



It’s really starting to piss you off that everybody keeps taking your behaviors personally. What’s their problem? You live your life and they live theirs, right? I mean, you’re chill, you’re real and you get the job done. So what if you’re a little selfish? These are the rhetorical questions you’ve been asking yourself in order to keep getting away with not taking responsibilities for your actions, specifically regarding your social and love life. Cancer, you are of the lightest of hearts. You want something simple and easy and you’re not trying to complicate anything. Ironically, all the energy you spend trying to avoid complexity has resulted in the exact opposite. You’ve drawn so many lines and boundaries of what you’re willing (and not willing) to give, that you find yourself now standing passively in the middle of a maze, wondering how the hell you get out of here (you know good and well how you got here in the first place). There is one golden clue to the exit of the maze which you have drawn yourself. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Perhaps the shoes of someone whose feet have grown tired from constantly walking in circles around you and telling you how they feel. Being passive can easily translate to cruelty if your passivity becomes an excuse for avoiding a potential loss. Of course you can have your cake and eat it too. This is a mantra you live by. Maybe consider that the person across the table, who you just split the bill of that cake with, may want a couple bites too. If you can’t fathom sharing (what? You’re hungry…), then be clear from the beginning. Clarity is what you lack, Cancer. All this fog may be convenient in the moments that you don’t want to see anything, but eventually, you’re going to crash into something. You have two options. Either blame and curse the universe for putting that shit in your foggy way, and own your agency and clear the air. Cowardice is for the weak (and it’s not cute). You are not weak, you are not immune to being affected by the world, so please stop acting like it.



You’ve been considering getting a “Don’t Tread on Me” tattoo and, honestly, who can blame you? It seems like the whole world is constantly looking to you for all the answers. And while you’re genuinely interested in helping, teaching and guiding others, you crave that moment where you can look behind your shoulder and find no one standing there. You need some space. Space to be soft, to melt, to be the gentle baby that you are on the inside. Most people don’t have the offer of true companionship that you do, Leo. And your companionship seems to be rendered completely irrelevant when you’re alone. So, where does this leave you? Who are you when you’re alone? What are your strengths, with no one beside or behind you? Can you carry yourself up the mountain, and what about when you get to the top? How long can you stand to stare into the sunset alone? Here’s a dare. Do something for you and only you. Be totally selfish, to the point where it’s uncomfortable. Experience something crazy and suppress the urge to share it with anyone else. Witness yourself grow even more humble, even more wild at heart, while your experiences swell inside of you. Warrior, teacher, lover. Your life is defined by the love that surrounds you and this is a beautiful thing. But if all that love disappears, what do you have? Can you rely on the fact that you alone are large enough to handle all the love you have to give? I suppose there is only one way to find out.

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