'Redeeming a Karen', by Roopa Swaminathan
Oh, Karen. We get it.
Haters gonna hate and trollers gonna troll.
Call you a hypocrite. Privileged. Unworthy.
And question your every move.
You care.
You worry about climate change.
The cutting down of forests,
burning fossil fuels,
and releasing carbon monoxide causing the seas and oceans to rise
and your $7 million Florida beachside vacay home that’s now worth less than $50k.
Back then you looked like Nicole Kidman
but the 100+ degrees Floridian hellhole now
makes you look like Carrot Top’s twin.
They don’t get your sacrifice, Karen! But we do!
Karen!
Stop hyperventilating about your colleague Candace who got the job you deserved.
Sure. She went to Carnegie Mellon.
Sure. She has 15 years of experience.
Sure. She’s a leader and a team player.
But they don’t want to hear the truth.
But we know, Karen.
She got the job ONLY because she doesn’t look like you.
WE KNOW.
No, Karen! Don’t go apoplectic. Rage is not good.
It’s time to be smart. To be strategic.
Remember.
When in doubt…
Always, always, always squeak in a ‘Black Lives Matter!’ OK?
Of course, you’ll take a beating publicly, Karen.
But ride it out.
You MUST publicly speak up for diversity and equality EVEN when they affect you
personally.
STOP SCREAMING, KAREN. We get it. We’ve been there, done that, have a t-shirt.
Of course, it’s not a fair world, Karen! Us Karens are always the first to get shafted.
But…the world loves an underdog story.
A rehabilitated, embarrassed, mortified Karen making a comeback?
A Karen who is ‘aware of her privilege’?
A Karen making amends?
Your story of redemption will trend on BuzzFeed and get a million clicks before 9pm.
Don’t you want that, Karen?
Good.
Calm down and listen to us, Karen.
We’ve done this many times.
Don’t worry your Lululemon-leggings-T-shirt-that-says-‘I need to speak to the
manager’-wearing blond-hair-with-black-roots-showing pretty little head, OK?
None of it is for real.
Repeat after us. NONE OF IT IS REAL.
This is just to change the narrative that you’re vapid, bigoted, and self-centered.
The best action is reaction, Karen.
Not gonna lie. It’s going to be tough.
Because…
Pretending to care about anything other than yourself is a LOT OF HARD WORK.
How to do it? We’ll tell you, Karen.
For starters, pick a cause that sounds profound but no one really knows or cares about it.
Of course, we’ll give you an example, Karen.
The ‘Arctic Pole Environmental Situation.’
We know you know nothing about it.
Neither do we.
Neither does anyone else.
That’s the point.
It’s about the Arctic.
And it sounds important.
So, when snotty Candace says, ‘It’s the Arctic! Who cares, Karen?”
– put on your snarkiest best self, be sanctimonious AF and smugly announce,
“How selfish and self-centered are you, Candace?
You don’t need to go to the Arctic to care about it!”
NICE! Is that the beginning of a smile we see on your face now, Karen? Are you finally getting it?
Remember.
When espousing your cause –
…be mildly insulting and holier-than-thou,
make others feel shitty,
gesture like crazy,
toss in a few important sounding words like…
…appropriation, collusion, intersectionality,
and speak fast.
Confuse the heck out of everyone.
Listen…let people wonder if you’re OK.
But they should never ever question if what you’re saying makes sense.
Look at you now! All raring and ready to go, Karen! Our work is done!
So, go forth and preach, Karen.
Preach about how homelessness is Godlessness.
About how Greta Thunberg is your role model.
Rave and rant against racists.
Put fear of God and threaten her job privately…
…but get your Philippina maid who hasn’t had a vacation for the past 7 years on camera.
Give her air bear-hugs and drop a few tears on cue when your iPhone 14 Pro New is
recording…
Drop ‘friendly’ ‘teary-eyed’ videos with your domestic slave…uhhh…your domestic associate
and upload them on YouTube.
And then go live your life, Karen.
Go home to your 18,000 square feet mansion in Malibu.
Take your private jet from LA to Santa Barbara,
wear Calvin Kleins,
Harry Winston bracelets,
and Louboutin pumps,
and party the night away.
You deserve it.
But be smart.
Make your guests sign NDAs.
We know it sucks but don’t post any pictures on Instagram, OK, Karen?
What? What did you say, Karen?
Well, of course, we are hypocrites, Karen.
And we have double standards.
That’s in our DNA.
No matter what we do…the world will eventually root for us.
Because we are special.
And we will forever be redeemed.