'A Summer Vacation', by Jerome Stanley
The train left the Saint Lazare station at noon. It was such a relief to leave the heat of the city behind. The movement of the train seemed to pulse through his body like a shot of energy, adding to the excitement of seeing Stefan again. They had met earlier in the summer. Luc was impressed with Stefan’s talent as a sculptor. He felt a kinship with Stefan, who expressed a real interest in Luc’s intention to become a writer. He saw Stefan as someone who was genuinely interested in Luc’s future. He was happy to accept an invitation to spend a vacation with Stefan and his parents at the family’s summer cottage in Normandy. It was an opportunity to develop this new friendship with someone whose interest in the arts matched his own.
This early afternoon, Stefan was on the platform waiting for him.
“I can’t tell you how good it feels to be here!”, shouted Luc.
“Here, let me carry your suitcase,” Stefan said as he took it from Luc’s hand.
“The car is just through over there,” he said pointing to a grey Land Rover. “It’s a half hour drive to Les Andelys. Get in and make yourself comfortable.”
He climbed in and watched as Stefan walked around to the driver’s side. He felt a sense of expectation, as if something major was about to happen. Stefan started the engine, pulled out of the parking area and out to the main highway.
Soon, they drove into a private lane ascending a hill lined with tall Lombardy poplars leading to a house behind hedgerows. The tall trees in the afternoon sunlight cast long shadows across the lane. The house, a half-timber structure with thatched roof, sat bathed in sunlight with a rose garden on one side.
Luc’s eyes were wide.
“My God, this is a vision too beautiful for words.”
“You will like it here,” said Stefan smiling. “When I’m here, I never want to leave.”
Luc took his backpack from the back seat, while Stefan opened the tailgate to get the suitcase. They made their way up the stone path to the front door, just as Stefan’s mother opened the door.
“Luc, this is my mother, Isabel Alami,” Stefan said. “Mother, this is Luc Berone.”
Luc’s attention was drawn to Madame Alami’s soft blue eyes and her warm smile. She wore an apron over a simple house dress.
“Luc, you have grown since I last saw you with your Aunt Chloe,” she said. “She and I are good friends, but I did not know your mother well. I was so sorry to hear of her death. It must be very hard on you.”
“Thank you for your kind words,” Luc said.
“Please come and let me show you to your room,” said Isabel, as she led the way through the house and upstairs. She showed him into a cozy bedroom with a window overlooking the valley below.
“Now, I’ll let you get settled,” she said. “Dinner will be ready in about an hour from now.”
After unpacking, Luc went to the window to view the lawn and gardens. The low angel of the late afternoon sunlight intensified the beauty of the landscape.
* * * *
“Today, let’s explore the Château Gaillard,” said Stefan at breakfast. “It belonged to King Richard the Lion-Heart. Centuries later, it was partially demolished. It was built up above the river and presents a dramatic profile. It’s fun to be there and soak up its ancient remains. We can take along a bag lunch to eat there.”
After breakfast, they drove from the cottage to the castle and spent the morning examining it. Stefan was very familiar with the castle’s history. Luc was full of questions. They filled the morning exploring, after which they ate their lunch sitting on the grass under some trees overlooking the river.
“What a fantastic place!” said Luc. He took some bites of his sandwich and observed Stefan who was looking out over the river below. Luc felt a strong sense of oneness with Stefan, as if they both had the same feelings about this place. A peacefulness washed over him.
“It has a lot of history that makes one aware of the battles between the French and English over the centuries,” said Stefan.
After eating, they stretched out on their backs and watched the white puffy clouds slowly drift by. Intoxicated by the soft summer air, they lay there for a while in silence, while Luc almost fell asleep. He closed his eyes and savored the delicate breeze caress his face. He was aware of lying so close to Stefan and imagined his hand reaching over to touch Stefan. The time, the place, and the moment intoxicated his senses. The sound of Stefan’s voice made him open his eyes.
“Let’s not be in a hurry to leave here. The day is still young, and I love being here,” said Stefan.
They fell silent again. The afternoon went by as a cloud floating in the sky. There was no pressure to be anywhere. The beauty of the day and the place demanded that they savor every moment of it.
By late afternoon, it was time to return home.
“I have an idea,” said Stefan. “I know a place along the road where we can stop and buy a bottle of Calvados to take home. We can sit by the pool this evening and have a glass.”
That evening, some neighbors were invited for dinner, and the party continued well after 9:00. When the guests were gone and kitchen duties completed, Stefan said that he would like to hear from Luc about his reaction to the book that he recommended, Meditations of the Emperor. Luc brought the book downstairs. Stefan brought the bottle of Calvados and some glasses, and they walked out to the pool. Luc opened the book and found the place that he had marked during the night.
“He says here that one must retire into one’s own space and not be distracted from that. The idea seems to be that our inner space is inherently positive, and to be distracted from that causes our distress.”
Luc thought of his own inner space, and he somehow knew that his feelings were inherently positive and to be trusted.
“The other thing to remember is that everything changes and will no longer be. He says that the universe is transformation, whereas life is opinion.”
Again, he thought to himself how one’s inner feelings are totally free from material things and from opinion. They are in fact sovereign. He reasoned that he must allow his feelings to be free of any opinion.
He stopped reading and looked at Stefan. Their eyes met.
“I am especially interested in what he says about the soul,” said Stefan, “as well as the fact that opinion creates our troubles. The world is full of troublesome opinions”
* * * *
“The days of my vacation are going swiftly,” said Luc the next morning.
“I have another place to take you today,” said Stefan. “We both know our World War II history, but I suspect that you might not know about what happened near the end of the war at the Pegasus Bridge.”
“Yes, you’re right, I don’t know.”
“I’ll pack some sandwiches and can leave soon. It is almost a two-hour drive, so let’s get going.”
* * * *
Luc saw a roadway sign announcing the Caen Canal. A bridge soon appeared, and Stefan stopped the car.
“OK,” he said. “Let’s park near this grassy area along the canal and eat some lunch. I’m starved. I’ll tell you the story about this place during lunch.”
They sat down on the grass. Stefan took the sandwiches from the lunch bag and handed one to Luc. They began to eat in silence. Then, Stefan began to talk.
“At the end of the war a group of British soldiers flew in gliders and parachuted here to hold the bridge from enemy attack until the main invasion forces arrived to free this area.”
Luc looked up at the sky and surveyed the surrounding landscape.
“This is such an interesting story,” he said. “I’m surprised that I have not heard of it before.”
They finished lunch and returned to the car.
“We are close to Ouistreham,” said Sefan. “We’ll go there to buy some oysters to take home.”
* * * *
Luc and Stefan decided to spend Luc’s last day just relaxing by the pool. Stefan had just come out of the pool for a swim. Without drying off, he lay down on a towel in the sun with his eyes closed.. His brown body and beard sparkled with water drops. His long hair swirled in strands around his head. Luc looked at him and imagined that he saw the sculpture of a Greek god. He felt that this god was part of himself.
Luc had in his lap a manuscript for a short story that he had brought with him form Paris. He tried to make headway in his writing but couldn’t concentrate. He gazed at Stefan whose presence was a distraction. His thoughts about the future made him ill at ease. After a while, Stefan stood up and came over to seat himself in a chair beside Luc.
“What are you writing?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s not something earth-shaking,” Luc said. “One day earlier this summer, I was riding the metro and observed across the aisle a young couple. They were arguing. The man spoke abusive language to the woman. They might have been a married couple, or maybe just lovers. Anyway, I wrote into my notebook some thoughts that I’m trying to turn into a short story.”
“I admire the fact that you’re preparing for a writing career. It’s a way to leave behind you something of value. May I take a peek at your work?” he asked.
Stefan stood up and went behind Luc’s chair, leaning over to look at the manuscript. Luc felt the closeness of Stefan’s body and felt as if he would immediately stand up and hug Stefan. It was a moment that quickly came and quickly departed. And yet, he realized that he was experiencing a longed-for moment. He decided that he would have to confront Stefan with the truth that very evening before his departure for Paris. If he did not, he realized that he would always regret it. His thought returned to the words in Meditations of the Emperor, words about one’s positive inner space that is free from mere opinion.
After dinner that evening, Stefan asked, “How about a nightcap?”
“Thanks. Do you have some of that cognac that your dad likes?” asked Luc.
“Coming right up.”
Stefan went to a cabinet in the dining room and came back with two glasses of cognac.
“Cheers,” he said, sitting down in a chair across from Luc.
Luc took a sip from his glass, staring at a framed print on the wall. It was the Dancing Faun in the Luxembourg Gardens.
“Someone in your family loves that statue,” Luc said.
“Yeah, that print was my gift to my parents one year for Christmas,” Stefan said. “It has always had a special meaning for me, ever since I first saw it as a kid.”
Luc turned his eyes away from the wall and looked at Stefan. He felt such a strong attraction to Stefan. A sense of urgency to tell him his feelings ran like fire through his body.
“Stefan..... I ..... wanted to just say how much I’ve enjoyed being here this week. And.... “
He paused. Stefan looked on expectantly. Luc continued.
“Something has been on my mind that is not easy for me to say,” said Luc with a pleading look on his face.
He thought to himself that words have consequences.
“Our friendship is amazing.... but.... I’m falling off a cliff. During this vacation, I’ve realized that we both have so much in common, so much to share. Maybe I’m being selfish. It’s as if I want us to be totally together.”
There was silence, the two facing each other. Stefan noted the painful look on Luc’s face. Then, he smiled as he leaned forward in this chair with his elbows on his knees and an understanding expression.
“Hey man,” he said. “I know what you’re trying to say. During this week, I began to sense something. Luc, I....I’m really grateful for our friendship. I hope that it will always remain as beautiful as it is now. I’m also grateful that you’ve confided the truth. What I have to tell you in response is that I can’t go forward beyond friendship.”
He paused.
“I hope that you understand…”
****
The trip back to Paris was a blur. Luc’s mind had shut down, refusing to accept the reality that he was leaving behind a beautiful dream and entering an empty unknown. The apartment was an impossible space for Luc. He tried to focus on the upcoming start of the university term. But every day he felt the need to be outside in nature. He purchased some books needed for his classes. Then, he began the routine of taking his reading and writing with him to the Luxembourg Gardens, where he found more inspiration than sitting alone in the apartment. As if some external power were pulling him, he would go to the statue of the Dancing Faun, find a bench and engage himself in his work. There was something in Stefan that Luc desperately needed. He knew that he could not risk losing this one most beautiful friendship of his life. Never had he had a male friend who made him feel so comfortable and at ease. It occurred to him that the world is so benignly indifferent to our painful little heartaches. We are so alone with such unmentionable baggage in our lives, and it seems dreadfully unfair that one must carry it around year after year. Maybe, he thought, in due time the effects of the demon would diminish, and he would be released from the burden of an unfair sentence. Maybe one must suffer in order to come out whole and free. Buddhists say that desire is suffering, because desire means that we lack something. Maybe suffering is the means by which one evolves beyond selfishness. A sense of grief began to take hold of his mind. It was the grief that follows rejection—the loss of a dream. Dreams were often magical and promising, such as the dreams found through art. But Luc’s grief was the result of an empty dream that could never be realized. The thought occurred to him that without his dream there was no purpose to go on living.
He thought to himself: Just accept your place in life. Place takes precedence over personal desire. It allows the simplicity of true friendship between two people who find the paths of their lives crossing each other.
So many questions, and so little time in life to find the answers. Luc thought that, from a human perspective, there appeared to be more than one kind of love. But there could really be only one love. It was just interpreted humanly in different ways. He believed that individuals experience it at different levels and intensities under different circumstances. But the essence of it does not change. He reflected on the sculptures that Stefan had shown him in the Tuileries Gardens. The Good Samaritan and The Oath of Spartacus seemed to suggest the powerful result of love in human history. They were examples of love for mankind. Then there was the love of two men for each other. In spite of the sexual revolution that had occurred, Luc, like many others his age, had not been part of that in terms of freeing himself completely. People were still thinking that gay expressions of love were fraught with abnormality and debauchery. This attitude reminded him of what he had read in Meditations of the Emperor, that human opinions are the source of so much trouble, and that one must retire into one’s own space which is inherently positive. However, he thought of that inner space as a lonely place where he was unable to share it with a loved one. He thought of something he once heard that fear is the absence of love. Apparently, many people are filled with fear instead of with love. They think that a gay person is just out to get a high. But it’s not a matter of getting. It’s a matter of giving. When two people are under its spell, a circle results, the symbol of perfection. He sat there, remembering some thoughts that Albert Camus once had while writing in his notebook.
Camus had a sudden awakening in his dark room, “with the sounds of a city that has suddenly become strange. And everything is strange to me, everything...the world has become merely an unknown landscape where my heart can lean on nothing.”
Jerome Stanley is a retired professor pursuing the development of his writing skills. His published books include two short novels and three non-fiction works.
