'Redacted', by Stephanie Ross

Part I

Dear Redacted,

Under the blackness, I feel you. Despite the layers of crossed-out text, I remember somehow
what is underneath.

Striking you out of my life has left me lonely and withered. In this censored muted place, hides
inner words, outer song. Unsung melodies held down with black marker. Held back from release.
Unpublished even to myself. As you were pressed into obscurity, my body grew but you did not.
In chubby hands I scored the parts that hurt. As fingers grew to hold crayons, I took my favorite
coral wax and let it melt in sadness. Markers grew in width, hiding more with each single stroke.
Pencil crayons were too thin – I gave them up altogether. I favoured crumpling whole pages at a
time. Redacted sadness, grief, and fear.

My dear Redacted, did you know that in those burials others also entered the coffin? When did
you give up and give way for redacted play, joy, and skipping through sun’s rays? My mind
grew and found relief in the intellectual, certainty in the known, the technically correct. In all
that black censorship, creativity went missing too. Quelled to quiet moments. Squished into
small boxes where it was safe to sneak such pleasures. Poked back into existence in baby paint
strokes on bright days with a fresh breeze. Kindergarten beginning at forty.

Dear Redacted, I have another question. Why was fear allowed to resurface and escape the
numbness of black pen? Why did it rise so far and wide above the rejection pile that the world
felt it too? Could there not have been a different way? I guess not. I see now that big brother fear
had the strength and muscle to pull out the atrophied qualities in adult life. Pushing love to lift
weights, joy to skip harder—an all-out redaction rebellion. Fear of drowning outweighed fear of
fear itself. To this end dear Redacted, please move into the white space. You may now relax.

with love and Gongjing,
Chief Editor and Writer

Part II

Dear Redactor,

Please listen closely now. I have come to learn that our communications have been very one
way. That’s ok. It is as it is and there has been learning, but allow me to change the course of this
discussion. For dear Redactor, although you have been a powerful constant, did you not know
that Mother Love is unconditional? That no matter how my page was altered my heart could not
be thwarted? That under all that drama the river of Shen remained to rise again when conditions
were righted? I have discovered some wisdom. Ancient understanding of life in a body. For
when I look back, I see threads of love. I feel my constant river bending to nudge me back on
course. I know deeply an ocean guiding my ever present, ever thirsty inner quest. The drive for
life-cultivation that had no words in childhood. The realizations beyond words now. Your
redactions have been fantasy. Who I am, who I will forever be cannot be redacted. I cannot truly
go missing. For in my river of life is an unquenchable love, an unsurmountable wisdom, and an
unyielding force within the Universe. It is time to remove your marks from my heart and shine
this edition into publication.

With gratitude for your editing efforts, you are now released from service.

with love and Gongjing,
Chief Editor and Writer

note
Shen: True Self
Gongjing: Humility

Photography by Jax McAllister

 Stephanie Ross writes from a place where inner inquiry meets the living world. Her poetry, creative nonfiction, and fiction, draw inspiration from her experiences as a sailor, pilot, homeschooling mother, and practice as a Ren Xue Yuan Qigong teacher. She explores how both internal and external navigation can shape our understanding of healing and growth. Her writing carries the quiet invitation for readers to connect more deeply with their heart and True Self. Her work is published or forthcoming in the League of Canadian Poets (Fresh Voices), White Wall Review, RXA Qiblog, Spank the Carp, Tiger Moth Review, Braided Way Magazine, and Wild Umbrella among others. You can often find her on forest trails with her 67-pound lap dog, Pepper. Connect with her: 
Website:  https://www.stephanierossauthor.com
Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/StephanieRossAuthor/ 
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